001. FACEBOOK

So there’s something that’s begun to bother me as of late, and it’s something that you, as a reader, have probably already done. That is, if you, reader, own a Facebook.

I like to refer to this practice as… Facebook name dropping. And, just as the term suggests, it involves one person posting something on another’s wall simply for said message to appear on the newsfeed of mutual friends for the sole purpose of flaunting the relationship between the wall poster and the wall owner. This practice is usually done ‘flirtatiously’ between couples who are in some sort of romantic relationship.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I put flirtatiously between quotes. I will explain that in a moment. But first, let me just go ahead and say this annoys the piss out of me. It’s sort of like that annoying friend whose annoying tendencies you ignored until you began to hate them out of spite. It didn’t bother me so much at first, but now it bothers me unreasonable amounts.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Let’s say, every once in a while, or perhaps out of pure spontaneity you wish to make your friend feel good, and because your friend depends on the approval of the populous, you write on his/her wall what a wonderful person your friend is and how lucky you are to be their friend and whatnot. I have no problem with that.

The problem I do have is the people who post things like, “OMG, babe, I love you so much, LOL, I’m so excited that you bought me a puppy, it’s adorable, also [insert pointedly inside joke here] and [insert reference to future get-together, usually a party of some sort here] and [insert nonchalant reference to the fact that you are within thirty feet of that person as you type this].”

First of all, if you are within thirty feet of the person you are typing to, you are either a completely energy-less chap, or you just want everyone to know what a close relationship you have with that person. Usually, it’s a combination of the two.

If you are within thirty feet of the person you are writing to, here’s a thought: Why don’t you just tell them the damned message yourself? What are you doing on Facebook? When psychology tells us that man is primarily a social creature, they don’t mean social networking sites. So, if you love that person as much as you say you do, get off the fucking computer and have a real conversation with them.

Anyways, if you still neglect to have a conversation with that person, then I am led to believe you want all of Facebook to know of your close interpersonal relationship with Wall-Owner. This, I think, is extremely demeaning to Wall-Owner and shallow for Wall-Poster. Then, when you say, “I love you you complete me you are my everything the air I breath and the gas I pass,” you aren’t really saying it to them. You’re saying it to Facebook. And, call me pretentious if you will, but when things are said to me, they need to be said to me. I do not tolerate things being said in a hopeful attempt to have them overheard, and likewise, I do not tolerate things posted in my wall if the poster does not mean them, and simply posted them for selfish reasons. 

Then, in fact, Wall-Owner is being used, and your proclamation of love is in complete hypocrisy and self-absorption. “I love you” should be said for the person on the receiving end, not on the giving end. The same goes with gifts. It’s a common concept. Your wall post is not romantic at all; it’s the exact opposite, and suddenly your words of “I love you” and your inside jokes and your get togethers mean so much less.

Furthermore, who do you think you’re impressing by clogging up your friends’ newsfeeds with these ridiculously and obviously tried expressions of social advertising? Because, I’ll tell you one thing, the first thing most people think when they see your mush is not “aww”, but instead, “God, they’re so freakin' annoying.” and, sometimes, if they are really spiteful, “I hope they break up soon so I won’t have to read anymore of this crap.”

Honestly, my generation has no sense of privacy, shame, or communication, and it’s embarrassing on a global scale. 

But I’ll make a compromise with you, FDA [Facebook Displays of Affection] abusers. If you are going to put your love life on display for the world to see, then I am assuming you are inviting the world into it, which will merit my ever-present two cents (Look! A reference to the blog name! Aren't I clever?). I will be giving your relationship a full psych-analysis and critique, and trust me, you won’t like it.

Or, the next time you get the urge to gush to your lover how excited your are for your inside joke of a get together that involves far too many pet names, pick up the God damned phone.